I have discovered something new about myself. But like a shoreline seen from far off, I am only aware that it is there. I am unable to really make out any details at this point, and I don’t know how long it will be before I do.
There are several reasons why I began writing this blog. One of them was so that people who know me could get to know me better. Another reason was so that people who do not know me can read about my life as I live it, and maybe recognize something they are going through. In short, to find that they are not alone in this world. Lastly, to leave something behind for my kids, for when they are old enough to understand. Maybe they can glean something from all this that will improve their life in some way. What more could I hope to do as a father?
In any event, I have pretty well focused my life on chasing money. I have written posts in other blogs about money and my thoughts on it. But the bottom line is, I have been poor and I have been “doing well”, and poor sucks!
A few years back I was living in a crappy little roach infested studio apartment, on the wrong side of town. My kids were sleeping in a closet because I didn’t have a bedroom. I couldn’t take them anywhere or do anything for them. We just kind of sat. Alive, but not living.
A long series of events has changed all that, and today I find myself paying close attention to income levels and taxation proposals coming out of Washington. So needless to say, my lifestyle has changed.
I will give you a bit of insight in to what changed, just so you understand a bit of where I am coming from. What changed is, Eminem released “Lose Yourself”. And in the third verse I heard a call to action, to which I responded.
However, having been on my knees, struggling day-to-day, working endless hours and getting nowhere, I have had a tendency to look back down that road and heap disdain on those still in that spot.
To be fair, if you made your life the way it is, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you are a felon; if you are a drug dealer or user; if you have 3 kids by three different guys; if you sit on welfare and are content to stay there…then my response is, “You made your bed, lie in it”.
But recently I have discovered, as I get to know people around me on a deeper level, that I know disabled vets, and people with debilitating diseases, and others who suffer through no fault of their own. And here is where the “something new” about myself comes in…
I am facing the very real possibility of being laid off in the next couple of months. My first inclination was to begin to stockpile money to carry us through if that did happen, and keep the bills paid until I found a new job. But, as time has passed and I have built up a little cushion, I have found my heart and mind pulling me in a different direction. And strange as it seems the voice in my head is not saying “Horde it to take care of yourself”. It’s telling me, “Give it away while you still have it to give”.
I know that regardless of what life throws at me, I will keep getting up. And I respect and admire those who do the same. But I know people who cannot get up. Not because they don’t have the will or the courage, but because they have no legs. And so I feel like maybe I should take their arm and pick them up…
I don’t know how all this will play out. But I have found one thing to be supremely true, though it took 42 years. When you find someone drowning and you reach out a hand to help them… there is no better feeling I am aware of than the one that follows that act.
I have a lot to ponder. I do not want to give to others as an act designed to release chemicals in my own body and make me feel good. I do not want to do it for credit or notoriety. I do not want to do it to prove anything. And so I need to examine my own motives and be sure they are the right ones.
I want to help because I can, and because someone else needs help, and helping them is the right thing to do.
I’ll keep you posted….
Wow. Really. Just wow. In my life, I have found increased compassion for the “have nots” as I am able to put names and faces with those of that category—so I feel you on that one. The desire to help and an examination of motives to do so is good—-but do not be too quick to dismiss the chemical changes in your brain allowing you to feel good about what it is you are doing. Awhile back, my daughter had an assignment for school where she had to read an article written by a prison inmate. He wrote about a stray cat which wandered into the rec. yard one day and how the inmates took care of it. He talked about how caring for the cat restored to them– if only for a little while–their sense of humanity. It was the act of caring for someone who had nothing to offer which helped them feel more real—more like people, rather than monsters locked in a cage. I am not sure where I am going with this except to say feeling good is a natural part of the deal when we help others. That is why so often people who are depressed are recommended to volunteer somewhere, or find a way to help others. Recovery communities (AA and the like) also recommend the same to help people get the focus off of themselves and strengthen their sobriety. Helping is good stuff. For you to be willing tolisten to your heart and thoughtfully move forward is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.
I am more than willing to experience and accept the good feeling that comes from helping others. I just want to make sure that I am not doing it JUST to experience that feeling. In my mind that would remove the compassion and concern from the equation, and turn the act in to a different form of what is essentially drug addiction.
Ah. Gotcha.
Kudos! What a great idea! Fantastic!
I haven’t actually done anything yet. And when I do I may mention it in the abstract as a follow up to this post, but it will not be for credit or recognition. I do not believe that people who do the right thing deserve special credit. It is not particularly spectacular for a human to express humanity.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I said I was changing perspectives, not losing my mind. This is the argument we have had for more than a decade now. THIS is the type of “charity” I believe is appropriate. For one person to care enough to help another person. Not an agency, not a program, not a “pool”. Just me finding some one I know who needs a hand and offering them one.
And I decide how much of a hand I want to give them; and where it starts and stops.
Besides, Hillary just presided over a department that got 4 Americans killed as the direct result of negligence. Don’t think I want her running the whole show.
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I would also like to mention that there are people reading this who could verify that I have been giving all that I have to give to those around me, all of my life. I have done far more than drop a twenty in some homeless guys cup, or donate to the United Way. I have walked in to the hell that is the lives of victims of sexual abuse, drug addiction, eating disorders, and pretty much every other bad thing you can think of…and I have effectively been carrying these people out of the burning buildings that are their lives, one at a time, for decades. In the process I have been taxed emotionally, mentally and from time to time even physically, beyond where I think a lot of people who consider themselves “good” people would be willing to go.
There are women reading this blog who have lived at my house in order to escape abuse. There are women reading this blog who have been dragged out of the shadow and in to the light, developed self esteem, stopped cutting themselves, started eating like normal people, etc. pretty much simply because at that time, in that place, my will was stronger than their disorder.
And this is the essence of what we have talked about so many times. I *do* what needs doing. While others talk about it, write a check, and walk away.